My new hula hoop!
Adoption and Me - An Update
I'm not very active on here anymore. I apologize for that. Lately I find myself in a sort of personal transformation that is weaning me (slightly) away from blogging.
But, I do have some amazing followers on here, and I want to keep you updated as you've been so supportive of me and my struggles to build a family.
Right now, we have finished our paperwork and our file is at the Russian Embassy in Ottawa being legalized. This is fantastic!
We expect to be registered in Vladivostok in early July, and then we officially wait for a referral.
I'm thrilled and excited and terrified all at once.
Most importantly, I'm happy.
Mother's Day was not a happy day, but it didn't leave me feeling as raw as it has in the past.
Life is getting better. I'm getting happy. I'll be a mom one day.
Hopefully some day this year.
:)
But, I do have some amazing followers on here, and I want to keep you updated as you've been so supportive of me and my struggles to build a family.
Right now, we have finished our paperwork and our file is at the Russian Embassy in Ottawa being legalized. This is fantastic!
We expect to be registered in Vladivostok in early July, and then we officially wait for a referral.
I'm thrilled and excited and terrified all at once.
Most importantly, I'm happy.
Mother's Day was not a happy day, but it didn't leave me feeling as raw as it has in the past.
Life is getting better. I'm getting happy. I'll be a mom one day.
Hopefully some day this year.
:)
Our File Is Almost Ready
It's getting there.
Soon, our file will be ready and off it will go.
It will go through two countries governments. It will be legalized, notarized, translated and sent to Moscow. From Moscow it will go to Vladivostok.
This whole process will take approximately 2 months.
And then we wait. Wait for a referral. Wait for a child to call our own.
To be parents.
Soon.
Soon, our file will be ready and off it will go.
It will go through two countries governments. It will be legalized, notarized, translated and sent to Moscow. From Moscow it will go to Vladivostok.
This whole process will take approximately 2 months.
And then we wait. Wait for a referral. Wait for a child to call our own.
To be parents.
Soon.
Somewhere, Over The Rainbow
See the heart in the bottom right hand corner?
That's where we're going.
Right now, there's a LO there, waiting for us. Our son or daughter is alive and being cared for by someone who has made it their life work to care for children.
Our little one is there. Right. Now.
I can't wait until we get to meet him or her.
We have it framed in our living room - as a constant reminder that their home is here, waiting for them.
I wish I could send love through the air.
Reflections of Shopping in Celebration
Last year, when we were expecting the twins, I had done some window shopping to get an idea of what I wanted the nursery to look like. Remember?
Well, that didn't work out. Neither did the following pregnancy this summer/fall.
However, as you know, we've chosen to adopt and feel very content and at peace with the decision. It's the right path for us, and we're very pleased that it's been going so well.
The change in family direction has lead me to think a lot about reconciling the picture of what I thought the nursery would like and what my child's room actually will look like.
It's hard to tell if creating my dream nursery will hurt my heart, or mend it. Will it cause me pain every time I see it? Or will it make things a little bit better every day?
Well, as with most decision I make, instead of taking the time to think it through, I just jumped in. Truth be told, this method has served me well. I'm just hoping it doesn't come back to bite me later on.
Friday night DH and I decided to go shopping to celebrate our newly assigned region. And we bought the very same nursery furniture I wanted for the twins. The Heritage Collection from babies R Us. I love it - I adore it.
The crib was in stock so we had it delivered on Sunday. The 6 drawer dresser and night stand will be delivered in a few weeks.
So here's the finished product:
Aren't the owls adorable? We'll be taking one of them with us for our LO on our first trip.
We also bought a stroller and I love it!
All in all, I'm happy with the choice, but I think I will always remember our lost children when I see these items.
At the same time, it's nice to see a dream come true, even if it's not the way I expected.
Well, that didn't work out. Neither did the following pregnancy this summer/fall.
However, as you know, we've chosen to adopt and feel very content and at peace with the decision. It's the right path for us, and we're very pleased that it's been going so well.
The change in family direction has lead me to think a lot about reconciling the picture of what I thought the nursery would like and what my child's room actually will look like.
It's hard to tell if creating my dream nursery will hurt my heart, or mend it. Will it cause me pain every time I see it? Or will it make things a little bit better every day?
Well, as with most decision I make, instead of taking the time to think it through, I just jumped in. Truth be told, this method has served me well. I'm just hoping it doesn't come back to bite me later on.
Friday night DH and I decided to go shopping to celebrate our newly assigned region. And we bought the very same nursery furniture I wanted for the twins. The Heritage Collection from babies R Us. I love it - I adore it.
The crib was in stock so we had it delivered on Sunday. The 6 drawer dresser and night stand will be delivered in a few weeks.
So here's the finished product:
Aren't the owls adorable? We'll be taking one of them with us for our LO on our first trip.
We also bought a stroller and I love it!
All in all, I'm happy with the choice, but I think I will always remember our lost children when I see these items.
At the same time, it's nice to see a dream come true, even if it's not the way I expected.
We Got Our Region!!!!
Today we got news from our agency - we'll be registering and adopting from Vladivostok! (Affectionately known to be nicknamed Vlad).
Vlad is a city of approx. 600,000 people in the province of Primorsky Krai in Russia. It is the home of Russia's Pacific Fleet and is cradled between China, North Korea and Japan.
Until the 1970's Vlad was closed to foreigners as it was closed during the Soviet era. So we get to go see this wonderful place where not many Canadians have gone!
We are so excited - we went and bought furniture for our LO's room tonight.
Life just got a bit brighter!!!!!!!!!!
SOOOOOOO EXCITED!
Eithics in Nursing
Hey all,
So in my few months as a nurse I have come to find that ethics play a major role in the day to day life of a nurse. IS this news? No. But it seems that every single day there is some sort of moral issue that comes up.
Now, these issues aren't Private Practice or Grey's Anatomy worthy, but I think they are worthy of being discussed. At least on my blog.
*ALL DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED. TIMES, DATES, PRONOUNS, ETC WILL NOT LEAD YOU TO IDENTIFY THESE PATIENTS.*
Situation #1:
Patient is in hospital for End of Life & Comfort Care. The patient is lucid. The patient and the family are all aware of DNR status, goals of care and prognosis.
In our hospital (and most others I suspect) IV fluids is not a part of Comfort Care. This particular patient happens to have an IV with fluids running; the fluids were started on admission before goal of care was determined.
The physician and nursing staff have all educated patient and family on the dying process. They are aware and understand that IV fluids will prolong the dying process.
After 2 weeks and a very slow dying process, the patient is in distress. The fluids are still running. The patient is still lucid and the patient has told the family that s/he wants to the IV continued. The family has echoed the decision. Everyone knows this is prolonging a (now unpleasant) death.
So. I am the nurse. I have been the nurse for this family often. I believe in advocating for my patient and I believe very firmly that a patient has the right to die according to their own wishes.
My co-workers have been around for many, many years. They have seen similar scenarios. They believe the IV should be discontinued.
The subject came up several times, and each time I fought for the patient to keep the IV. More times than I can count I was told my my co-workers that should the IV came out or stop infusing that they "won't be able to get another line in."
I was disheartened. I was blown over. Really? This is how you nurse? I understand that my co-workers have extensive experience with death, however at what point does that experience trump dignity? At what point does that experience become a handicap?
The patient has since expired. The line did come out and couldn't go back in. I was on vacation.
I will never know what really happened. And I will always hope that the family will think they had the best possible care. But somewhere inside me I don't believe they did.
Suffice to say, I don't fit in on my unit very well.
So in my few months as a nurse I have come to find that ethics play a major role in the day to day life of a nurse. IS this news? No. But it seems that every single day there is some sort of moral issue that comes up.
Now, these issues aren't Private Practice or Grey's Anatomy worthy, but I think they are worthy of being discussed. At least on my blog.
*ALL DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED. TIMES, DATES, PRONOUNS, ETC WILL NOT LEAD YOU TO IDENTIFY THESE PATIENTS.*
Situation #1:
Patient is in hospital for End of Life & Comfort Care. The patient is lucid. The patient and the family are all aware of DNR status, goals of care and prognosis.
In our hospital (and most others I suspect) IV fluids is not a part of Comfort Care. This particular patient happens to have an IV with fluids running; the fluids were started on admission before goal of care was determined.
The physician and nursing staff have all educated patient and family on the dying process. They are aware and understand that IV fluids will prolong the dying process.
After 2 weeks and a very slow dying process, the patient is in distress. The fluids are still running. The patient is still lucid and the patient has told the family that s/he wants to the IV continued. The family has echoed the decision. Everyone knows this is prolonging a (now unpleasant) death.
So. I am the nurse. I have been the nurse for this family often. I believe in advocating for my patient and I believe very firmly that a patient has the right to die according to their own wishes.
My co-workers have been around for many, many years. They have seen similar scenarios. They believe the IV should be discontinued.
The subject came up several times, and each time I fought for the patient to keep the IV. More times than I can count I was told my my co-workers that should the IV came out or stop infusing that they "won't be able to get another line in."
I was disheartened. I was blown over. Really? This is how you nurse? I understand that my co-workers have extensive experience with death, however at what point does that experience trump dignity? At what point does that experience become a handicap?
The patient has since expired. The line did come out and couldn't go back in. I was on vacation.
I will never know what really happened. And I will always hope that the family will think they had the best possible care. But somewhere inside me I don't believe they did.
Suffice to say, I don't fit in on my unit very well.
What If . . .
So, what if the adoption from Russia is blocked? By Russia, Canada or in some other way?
Then we're back to surrogacy.
My friend will not be able to act as our surrogate as her husband is still deploying and she has some family issues to deal with.
So we've started looking for another surrogate as we do not want to put off our family, for any reason, any longer.
We're talking with someone right now, but we would not be able to move forward until the spring/summer.
So that's our update!
Then we're back to surrogacy.
My friend will not be able to act as our surrogate as her husband is still deploying and she has some family issues to deal with.
So we've started looking for another surrogate as we do not want to put off our family, for any reason, any longer.
We're talking with someone right now, but we would not be able to move forward until the spring/summer.
So that's our update!
Just Saying Hi!
Hey everyone!
I just want to say hello!
The adoption isn't moving too quickly, but we should be done with our home study this week (so glad!) and then it's onto the agency.
But the adoption is dependant on international politics that is well out of our control. We're hopeful but don't know what to expect.
We're considering surrogacy again if as a next step if the adoption path doesn't work out. But we're terrified and scared and emotional.
I'm losing weight, but still having trouble staying compliant for the Whole 30 paleo-esque challenge. I've slipped twice (well, once for sure and once with a rotisserie chicken that we're not sure was compliant). But it's hard. I get emotional and upset and the cravings are NUTS! I'm scared to slip back in to old habits. But I'm definitely in a better place when it comes to junk, food sugar and choices. And I think my body is healing too (I'm always paranoid about having too much sugar in my body).
But, meh - whatever. I'm trying. And I'll keep trying. I'm down 12 lbs since January 1st and 22 since August 1st. So that's something!
It would be great to lose another 18 lbs to put me in a better weight classification, so I'm hoping by the end of April.
Hope all is well with everyone else!
J
I just want to say hello!
The adoption isn't moving too quickly, but we should be done with our home study this week (so glad!) and then it's onto the agency.
But the adoption is dependant on international politics that is well out of our control. We're hopeful but don't know what to expect.
We're considering surrogacy again if as a next step if the adoption path doesn't work out. But we're terrified and scared and emotional.
I'm losing weight, but still having trouble staying compliant for the Whole 30 paleo-esque challenge. I've slipped twice (well, once for sure and once with a rotisserie chicken that we're not sure was compliant). But it's hard. I get emotional and upset and the cravings are NUTS! I'm scared to slip back in to old habits. But I'm definitely in a better place when it comes to junk, food sugar and choices. And I think my body is healing too (I'm always paranoid about having too much sugar in my body).
But, meh - whatever. I'm trying. And I'll keep trying. I'm down 12 lbs since January 1st and 22 since August 1st. So that's something!
It would be great to lose another 18 lbs to put me in a better weight classification, so I'm hoping by the end of April.
Hope all is well with everyone else!
J
A Nursing Funny
Today I received a written physician's order for . . . wait for it . . . a specific radio station to be played on the radio in a patient's room.
Ha!
I laughed. It's a new resident (first day on the service is today). And it's not as though there was already a radio in there that kept being put on a controversial station . . . there was no radio! I had to get the Ward Aide to get one.
It was a nursing funny.
Ha!
I laughed. It's a new resident (first day on the service is today). And it's not as though there was already a radio in there that kept being put on a controversial station . . . there was no radio! I had to get the Ward Aide to get one.
It was a nursing funny.
The First Year As A Nurse …
Is hard!
You aren’t meeting expectations, you’re running your feet off trying to keep up, the learning curve is Mount Everest and you don’t know all the little things that make the day run smoother (like what transfer form to use, where to best capture something on one of a million computer programs, etc).
You worry about small clinical decisions and wonder what your missing of the disease progression while you’re making decisions.
You go home, try to unwind, and can never get work out of your head. You dream about it, think about and worry non-stop. And the day you finally get yourself into a non-work head-space is the day you have to go back.
Some days I feel like I need to go back to school.
You aren’t meeting expectations, you’re running your feet off trying to keep up, the learning curve is Mount Everest and you don’t know all the little things that make the day run smoother (like what transfer form to use, where to best capture something on one of a million computer programs, etc).
You worry about small clinical decisions and wonder what your missing of the disease progression while you’re making decisions.
You go home, try to unwind, and can never get work out of your head. You dream about it, think about and worry non-stop. And the day you finally get yourself into a non-work head-space is the day you have to go back.
Some days I feel like I need to go back to school.
Venting
People suck. Seriously. They suck.
Here is the post I made on the bump - it's easier to copy/paste than to re-type it.
"We've had some issues getting letters for people for the agency. We were asked to have 4 reference letters done, the only requirement being that they use our full names (in order to match our passprts exactly).
Reference 1: Perfect! My best friend from childhood, still my best friend, no issues with getting it done.
Reference 2: Annoying. My sister waited until we needed it to sit down and right it, then gave it to my mother to drop off (we live 2 hours away) but she forgot it so we had to drive out to get it on our 1 day off together over the holidays. Annoyed but easily managed.
Reference 3: They said yes and that was it. When we asked and followed up with it, they said they didn't realize we needed it inside of a month (seriously??) and would get right on it. 3 whole weeks later they aren't returning our messages when we ask for it. We asked someone else to do one for us instead and that was done within 48 hours.
Reference 4: DH's brother. Again it took WEEKS to get anything from them, then they sent one without our full names so we asked them to send another. We got it today (was supposed to be sent to the agency last week) AND they said my husband worked for the provincial government (he doesn't) and there were spelling mistakes (they are both HIGHLY educated people). So DH asks them to correct it and I send them an email money transfer to courier it ASAP and this is what they write back:
"How about this: type up a copy with the corrections and print it, then fake (trace) our signatures. We have no issue with this if you don't! Just send us a scanned copy at some point so we have it as a reference.
I'm furious"
People suck. Seriously. They suck.
The events of today unfolded like this: DH got up, pretended we weren't mad and wrote them back, saying nothing except the best way to mail it.
There's pissed off, and then there's pissed off. I have no desire to speak to them for a very long time.
Here is the post I made on the bump - it's easier to copy/paste than to re-type it.
"We've had some issues getting letters for people for the agency. We were asked to have 4 reference letters done, the only requirement being that they use our full names (in order to match our passprts exactly).
Reference 1: Perfect! My best friend from childhood, still my best friend, no issues with getting it done.
Reference 2: Annoying. My sister waited until we needed it to sit down and right it, then gave it to my mother to drop off (we live 2 hours away) but she forgot it so we had to drive out to get it on our 1 day off together over the holidays. Annoyed but easily managed.
Reference 3: They said yes and that was it. When we asked and followed up with it, they said they didn't realize we needed it inside of a month (seriously??) and would get right on it. 3 whole weeks later they aren't returning our messages when we ask for it. We asked someone else to do one for us instead and that was done within 48 hours.
Reference 4: DH's brother. Again it took WEEKS to get anything from them, then they sent one without our full names so we asked them to send another. We got it today (was supposed to be sent to the agency last week) AND they said my husband worked for the provincial government (he doesn't) and there were spelling mistakes (they are both HIGHLY educated people). So DH asks them to correct it and I send them an email money transfer to courier it ASAP and this is what they write back:
"How about this: type up a copy with the corrections and print it, then fake (trace) our signatures. We have no issue with this if you don't! Just send us a scanned copy at some point so we have it as a reference.
If you'd rather not, please do type up a copy and email
it to us for us to print out and mail. You're most familiar with the
requirements, so it'll be the most efficient for you to edit it in one
go than for us to go back and forth, especially with the time
restriction."
I wrote back that we, under
no circumstances, will forge a letter for them, nor will we write it,
and that DH would be in touch tomorrow. As if we don't have enough on
our minds right now!
People suck. Seriously. They suck.
The events of today unfolded like this: DH got up, pretended we weren't mad and wrote them back, saying nothing except the best way to mail it.
There's pissed off, and then there's pissed off. I have no desire to speak to them for a very long time.
First Week of Whole 30
So, my first week of Whole 30 is done. There were some rough patches, a TON of cravings (where's the chocolate icing? No, wait - I want pizza!) and a lot of cooking and slicing and cooking.
And how did it go?
I am starting to feel more energy.
I didn't sleep for a couple of nights and then I started sleeping like a rock.
I'm still craving, but I'm starting to feel like I'm managing my food.
I'm noticing I need to be more mindful, and have been (I almost slipped without even really thinking about it).
I lost 8.6 lbs.
Yup - you read it right - I lost 8.6 lbs.
Now, before you jump all over me, let me put that loss in perspective. I weighed in on January 1 after eating crap (and a lot of it) the night before. On the 2nd I was 2 lbs less just from getting some of that junk through my body.
That makes the loss 6.6.
Of that, may 2 lbs is actual loss, while the rest is the likely the water weight everyone loses the first week on any new eating regime.
So it's not really THAT staggering. Except that it is. And I am THRILLED!!!!!!
I already have a ring that I've not worn for months that fits. How awesome is that?!?!?
***********************************************
Just a quick adoption update. We have our home inspection tomorrow morning (and I can't sleep - it's 3 am here!). We're all set and ready to go, and plan to hit up the movies tomorrow afternoon.
Good night!
And how did it go?
I am starting to feel more energy.
I didn't sleep for a couple of nights and then I started sleeping like a rock.
I'm still craving, but I'm starting to feel like I'm managing my food.
I'm noticing I need to be more mindful, and have been (I almost slipped without even really thinking about it).
I lost 8.6 lbs.
Yup - you read it right - I lost 8.6 lbs.
Now, before you jump all over me, let me put that loss in perspective. I weighed in on January 1 after eating crap (and a lot of it) the night before. On the 2nd I was 2 lbs less just from getting some of that junk through my body.
That makes the loss 6.6.
Of that, may 2 lbs is actual loss, while the rest is the likely the water weight everyone loses the first week on any new eating regime.
So it's not really THAT staggering. Except that it is. And I am THRILLED!!!!!!
I already have a ring that I've not worn for months that fits. How awesome is that?!?!?
***********************************************
Just a quick adoption update. We have our home inspection tomorrow morning (and I can't sleep - it's 3 am here!). We're all set and ready to go, and plan to hit up the movies tomorrow afternoon.
Good night!
Whole 30 - Ready!
We cleaned out the kitchen. It was a lot of money that was gone, but then we realized it was a lot of money just sitting there that we never got around to eating.
So we made a box for the food bank:
And we made a pile to keep for after the challenge (not shown is all my GF baking flours and necessities:
And then, between the cupboards & fridge & baking cupboard we have 3 of these:
So our cupboards looked like this:
But now they look like this!
So, after a lot of indulgence tonight (and today and yesterday) we'll be waking up to a whole new kitchen!
At first when we were cleaning things out I thought it would be too bare and that we'd have nothing in the way of food for the adoption home inspection and I was concerned - but now I'm so much more pleased with what's in there!
Also, at my appointment with the General Internal Medicine Specialist that prompted this challenge, the doctor told me to start a new iron supplement. He wrote it down, but I wish he would have wrote it as a prescription - it cost me $62.00 for 100 pills! I was not impressed. The pharmacist said the difference is the amount of elemental iron you get - the other one I was on (for the last 5 years) gave me 30mg, this new one gives me 150 mg. So hopefully things start to turn around soon for my body.
Although, to be honest, part of me (that doesn't want to say this out loud) wonders if whatever it is could help me cure the infertility and miscarriage issues. I mean, if my body isn't getting nutrients and nourishment properly then at least there's a chance, right?
Also - happy new year everyone!
So we made a box for the food bank:
And we made a pile to keep for after the challenge (not shown is all my GF baking flours and necessities:
And then, between the cupboards & fridge & baking cupboard we have 3 of these:
So our cupboards looked like this:
But now they look like this!
So, after a lot of indulgence tonight (and today and yesterday) we'll be waking up to a whole new kitchen!
At first when we were cleaning things out I thought it would be too bare and that we'd have nothing in the way of food for the adoption home inspection and I was concerned - but now I'm so much more pleased with what's in there!
Also, at my appointment with the General Internal Medicine Specialist that prompted this challenge, the doctor told me to start a new iron supplement. He wrote it down, but I wish he would have wrote it as a prescription - it cost me $62.00 for 100 pills! I was not impressed. The pharmacist said the difference is the amount of elemental iron you get - the other one I was on (for the last 5 years) gave me 30mg, this new one gives me 150 mg. So hopefully things start to turn around soon for my body.
Although, to be honest, part of me (that doesn't want to say this out loud) wonders if whatever it is could help me cure the infertility and miscarriage issues. I mean, if my body isn't getting nutrients and nourishment properly then at least there's a chance, right?
Also - happy new year everyone!
Whole 30
Have you heard of it? Have you? Well, let me tell you my non-personal knowledge of it!
WHOLE 30.
It's a strict paleo-esque 30 day challenge that is supposed to detox your brain and allow your body to start responding to food in a natural, animal manner. For example, feeling full when you've had enough nutrient intake, not craving sugar, etc.
A friend from My Fitness Pal just finished the challenge and she swears by it. Aside from the benefit of weight loss she told me she has more energy than she ever has, has no more cravings and she swears her PMS is gone.
Now, I've heard this before, so okay - take it for what you've heard before. But I've *known* this woman for a couple of years. We battle infertility together. She has seen me through my losses. And, funnily enough, we are both already gluten free.
So she talked about it for the entire 30 days (in a good way).
So, I recently had an appointment with a General Internal Medicine Specialist. He looked over my medical records for the last few years. First question was: are you gluten free? You're an obvious Celiac.
But, as he reviewed my records he said something wasn't adding up. I'm still not absorbing things right. I'm still undernourished. I'm still not getting proper nutrition. So there has to be something else that is doing it besides gluten.
He gave me a HUGE list of bloodwork to have done (that I've never heard of - and I'm a nurse!). And, ofcourse, he wants me to try to lose weight (it's not as though I haven't tried!). And he wants me to work out every single day. No days off. no rest days. Every. Single. Day.
So I tried. I hoped on the treadmill the first 2 nights in a row, each after working 2 shifts. And then I was exhausted. 12 hours of work, plus a 1 hour total commute, plus shower, food and I was exhausted. And at just the beginning of a foolishly long series of shifts. I'm weak. I was tired. I quit.
So I sat with this in the back of my mind for a few days. And I started thinking. What if it's more than gluten alone? What if it's dairy? Or rice? Or whatever.
And I obviously need more energy. I need to get through a shift and not be falling down. I need to be healthier. I need to slim down. I need to get over my constant need for all things chocolate.
So I bought the book. I'm on Chapter 4, but truth be told, when I decided to buy the book I had already made my decision. I'll try it. It'll suck. It'll be hard, but I'll do it for 30 days and see what happens.
So now I'm in the midst of trying to prepare to start. And DH . . . well, he took some convincing but he's all in. And when I mean all, I mean at home. He'll still eat whatever when he's not at home. But out kitchen will be 100% paleo friendly.
So I'll be spending the next few days (my first since before Christmas) cleaning out our kitchen. And making what it is we want to eat beforehand. LOL. We plan to store some of the expensive GF mixes with my MIL, and the rest we'll give to the food bank. And when we're done we'll re-stock a few things that are out during the challenge, and transition to a clean eating life.
We've always wanted to do that (not to mention we've talked about slimming down our cupboards FOREVER but now we actually can. I'm looking forward to it.
So that's what's going on with me! Not much else I can talk about right now, but I thought I'd post a little bit. I hope you are all well!
WHOLE 30.
It's a strict paleo-esque 30 day challenge that is supposed to detox your brain and allow your body to start responding to food in a natural, animal manner. For example, feeling full when you've had enough nutrient intake, not craving sugar, etc.
A friend from My Fitness Pal just finished the challenge and she swears by it. Aside from the benefit of weight loss she told me she has more energy than she ever has, has no more cravings and she swears her PMS is gone.
Now, I've heard this before, so okay - take it for what you've heard before. But I've *known* this woman for a couple of years. We battle infertility together. She has seen me through my losses. And, funnily enough, we are both already gluten free.
So she talked about it for the entire 30 days (in a good way).
So, I recently had an appointment with a General Internal Medicine Specialist. He looked over my medical records for the last few years. First question was: are you gluten free? You're an obvious Celiac.
But, as he reviewed my records he said something wasn't adding up. I'm still not absorbing things right. I'm still undernourished. I'm still not getting proper nutrition. So there has to be something else that is doing it besides gluten.
He gave me a HUGE list of bloodwork to have done (that I've never heard of - and I'm a nurse!). And, ofcourse, he wants me to try to lose weight (it's not as though I haven't tried!). And he wants me to work out every single day. No days off. no rest days. Every. Single. Day.
So I tried. I hoped on the treadmill the first 2 nights in a row, each after working 2 shifts. And then I was exhausted. 12 hours of work, plus a 1 hour total commute, plus shower, food and I was exhausted. And at just the beginning of a foolishly long series of shifts. I'm weak. I was tired. I quit.
So I sat with this in the back of my mind for a few days. And I started thinking. What if it's more than gluten alone? What if it's dairy? Or rice? Or whatever.
And I obviously need more energy. I need to get through a shift and not be falling down. I need to be healthier. I need to slim down. I need to get over my constant need for all things chocolate.
So I bought the book. I'm on Chapter 4, but truth be told, when I decided to buy the book I had already made my decision. I'll try it. It'll suck. It'll be hard, but I'll do it for 30 days and see what happens.
So now I'm in the midst of trying to prepare to start. And DH . . . well, he took some convincing but he's all in. And when I mean all, I mean at home. He'll still eat whatever when he's not at home. But out kitchen will be 100% paleo friendly.
So I'll be spending the next few days (my first since before Christmas) cleaning out our kitchen. And making what it is we want to eat beforehand. LOL. We plan to store some of the expensive GF mixes with my MIL, and the rest we'll give to the food bank. And when we're done we'll re-stock a few things that are out during the challenge, and transition to a clean eating life.
We've always wanted to do that (not to mention we've talked about slimming down our cupboards FOREVER but now we actually can. I'm looking forward to it.
So that's what's going on with me! Not much else I can talk about right now, but I thought I'd post a little bit. I hope you are all well!
Merry Christmas!
I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Russia celebrates on January 9th so I think we'll do something nice for ourselves that day too!
I wanted to make a quick post about the potential US-adoption ban from Russia.
As some of you may or may not know, I'm a Canadian (hence the blog name) so the ban doesn't have much of an effect on us at this time. This can change, much like anything else. I want to let everyone know that we are still moving forward with the adoption, and hope others will be able to as well.
All the best to all for the New Year!
Quick Adoption Update
Our medicals are done!
Our home inspection is scheduled for January 9th. I'm thrilled to be moving forward.
Mini-update!
Our home inspection is scheduled for January 9th. I'm thrilled to be moving forward.
Mini-update!
Quiet Time
Hi everyone,
I'm going through a bit of a quiet time right now. Work, the adoption and Christmas is very time-consuming.
We're doing okay. We're having some tough moments on the road to parenthood, but we're getting through it. I really think adoption is our path.
I'm getting used to being a nurse. It certainly help to not have to be work sick anymore. I'm still learning every day - the senior nurses know so much! I swear I do something new every other shift. Or perhaps every shift.
Other than that, not much is going on. I'll likely blog when I've had some time to catch my breath. Hopefully soon.
All the best,
J
I'm going through a bit of a quiet time right now. Work, the adoption and Christmas is very time-consuming.
We're doing okay. We're having some tough moments on the road to parenthood, but we're getting through it. I really think adoption is our path.
I'm getting used to being a nurse. It certainly help to not have to be work sick anymore. I'm still learning every day - the senior nurses know so much! I swear I do something new every other shift. Or perhaps every shift.
Other than that, not much is going on. I'll likely blog when I've had some time to catch my breath. Hopefully soon.
All the best,
J
Home Study Paperwork!
We are about 1/2 done with our home study, and tomorrow we are handing in our paperwork!
I have a few things to finish up tonight, and then print everything off, but then we are done. I can't wait to be over this one hurdle!
I have my individual interview scheduled for this Friday, and DH's is next week.
We're getting through this - I can't believe we are getting through this. It's so exciting, and very overwhelming . . . in a way.
It's bizarre that all the time we've spent TTC, going through fertility treatments and various miscarriages - after all that heart ache and pain - that this process is moving forward and a consistent pace (at least for now).
We have struggles so much, and have been through so many trials, that this is mind-boggling at times.
I'm thrilled. We're thrilled. And we're finally on the road to becoming parents.
It's about dang time! :)
I have a few things to finish up tonight, and then print everything off, but then we are done. I can't wait to be over this one hurdle!
I have my individual interview scheduled for this Friday, and DH's is next week.
We're getting through this - I can't believe we are getting through this. It's so exciting, and very overwhelming . . . in a way.
It's bizarre that all the time we've spent TTC, going through fertility treatments and various miscarriages - after all that heart ache and pain - that this process is moving forward and a consistent pace (at least for now).
We have struggles so much, and have been through so many trials, that this is mind-boggling at times.
I'm thrilled. We're thrilled. And we're finally on the road to becoming parents.
It's about dang time! :)
Catching Up!
Hello everyone!
First of all - congrats to Obama!
Second of all, thank you for all the encouragement when I was upset last week. Hubby and I made it through and, as usual, came out stronger on the other side. We went to a play and tomorrow is dinner for the birthday :)
So, we had to decide recently between choosing adoption and choosing surrogacy because we can't swing both at the same time.
We decided on adoption. We need a happy ending. We need some peace. And we are ready to be parents.
We hope to have the opportunity to pursue surrogacy at a later time, but right now isn't the right time for us.
So our adoption is moving ahead at full speed. We have our medicals underway, we got our vaccinations up to date, and we are almost done the first round of paperwork. Our referrals are all in and our Criminal Record Check (the basic one, not the one with fingerprints) is done and our SW has it.
We are registering with the agency this week (officially).
And having made this decision has brought us to a very calm and peaceful place. It feels good no to gamble at a chance at parenthood.
So that's us! I'll try to keep you updated more often.
J
First of all - congrats to Obama!
Second of all, thank you for all the encouragement when I was upset last week. Hubby and I made it through and, as usual, came out stronger on the other side. We went to a play and tomorrow is dinner for the birthday :)
So, we had to decide recently between choosing adoption and choosing surrogacy because we can't swing both at the same time.
We decided on adoption. We need a happy ending. We need some peace. And we are ready to be parents.
We hope to have the opportunity to pursue surrogacy at a later time, but right now isn't the right time for us.
So our adoption is moving ahead at full speed. We have our medicals underway, we got our vaccinations up to date, and we are almost done the first round of paperwork. Our referrals are all in and our Criminal Record Check (the basic one, not the one with fingerprints) is done and our SW has it.
We are registering with the agency this week (officially).
And having made this decision has brought us to a very calm and peaceful place. It feels good no to gamble at a chance at parenthood.
So that's us! I'll try to keep you updated more often.
J
So Upset
In August I told DH I wanted to go bowling with people for my birthday. I've reminded him of this several times and has not forgotten. How do I know? he's brought it up.
My birthday is on Thursday. Last night I asked what the plans were to celebrate and he's made NO PLANS!
He is horrible at Valentine's Day and I've given to accept that - but this is my birthday. I consider someone's birthday to be a very big deal. He does not. But he knows how I feel about it.
He never wants a fuss for his birthday, but I make one anyway. And he always loves it. For example, this year he got a set of golf clubs that wasn't cheap, everything that goes with a new golf set, and I arranged a surprise golf day with all his friends and had a dinner party for 10 ready when they were done. I invited all his friends, their wives and cooked for 2 days!
He loved every minute of it.
For me, on my birthday, we have an appointment with the travel clinic to get our immunizations sorted out for Russia and we're doing our criminal record checks.
After I got upset at the lack of celebration he bought tickets to see a play, but seriously?? Seriously?!?!?
I couldn't feel less special right now. I've been through hell this year, I'm another year old without children and my husband can't even ask people to get together for my birthday. Aside from feeling like my husband doesn't appreciate me, it's embarrassing because people know it's my birthday and nothing is being done.
I could cry for days right now.
My birthday is on Thursday. Last night I asked what the plans were to celebrate and he's made NO PLANS!
He is horrible at Valentine's Day and I've given to accept that - but this is my birthday. I consider someone's birthday to be a very big deal. He does not. But he knows how I feel about it.
He never wants a fuss for his birthday, but I make one anyway. And he always loves it. For example, this year he got a set of golf clubs that wasn't cheap, everything that goes with a new golf set, and I arranged a surprise golf day with all his friends and had a dinner party for 10 ready when they were done. I invited all his friends, their wives and cooked for 2 days!
He loved every minute of it.
For me, on my birthday, we have an appointment with the travel clinic to get our immunizations sorted out for Russia and we're doing our criminal record checks.
After I got upset at the lack of celebration he bought tickets to see a play, but seriously?? Seriously?!?!?
I couldn't feel less special right now. I've been through hell this year, I'm another year old without children and my husband can't even ask people to get together for my birthday. Aside from feeling like my husband doesn't appreciate me, it's embarrassing because people know it's my birthday and nothing is being done.
I could cry for days right now.
Sex. Let's Talk About It.
I remember when we were dating, and before infertility arose, we had a hot and satisfying sex life.
Then, when sex needed to be scheduled for ovulation and there was negative pregnancy tests showing up every month, the sex began to change.
I won't ever say it was a chore - it really never was as we have tried to do our best to keep it fun, but the desire for it and the frequency of it has changed.
And now we are moving on from fertility struggles. Will we keep trying? We certainly will never prevent. But we are no longer planning to build our family this way.
Am I over it? Nope! I never will be. Heck, I am still bleeding from this loss. But the days are easier.
Since sex isn't the "way" anymore I am looking forward to more and more.
The sex is and the sex drive and the "let's do naughty things" are starting to come back.
Now THAT'S a silver lining!
Then, when sex needed to be scheduled for ovulation and there was negative pregnancy tests showing up every month, the sex began to change.
I won't ever say it was a chore - it really never was as we have tried to do our best to keep it fun, but the desire for it and the frequency of it has changed.
And now we are moving on from fertility struggles. Will we keep trying? We certainly will never prevent. But we are no longer planning to build our family this way.
Am I over it? Nope! I never will be. Heck, I am still bleeding from this loss. But the days are easier.
Since sex isn't the "way" anymore I am looking forward to more and more.
The sex is and the sex drive and the "let's do naughty things" are starting to come back.
Now THAT'S a silver lining!
First Home Study Meeting
And I am thrilled!
We met at her home office and we spent 2 hours talking and going over the paperwork we have to do.
We are both very comfortable with her, which is a relief. The paperwork is nuts but we hope to have most of it done within the next week to week and half.
Driving home in the car we were both just dumbfounded at the fact that we are in this now. It's nuts! It feels so surreal. We are finally on the path to bring home our child. It's just so . . . overwhelming.
We're both so happy right now.
We met at her home office and we spent 2 hours talking and going over the paperwork we have to do.
We are both very comfortable with her, which is a relief. The paperwork is nuts but we hope to have most of it done within the next week to week and half.
Driving home in the car we were both just dumbfounded at the fact that we are in this now. It's nuts! It feels so surreal. We are finally on the path to bring home our child. It's just so . . . overwhelming.
We're both so happy right now.
The Good & The Really Really Fucking Bad
The Good
We finished the adoption training! We're one step closer and really ready to commit and get this done as fast as possible.
The Really Really Fucking Bad
Today was my 2nd day back to work.
I seriously fucked up. Big time. I broke a policy and I didn't realize it except it's a MAJOR policy.
My patient was fine - no harm done.
I'm new to my job (started at the end of July) and I don't have an established work record in that time (took 2 weeks for IVF in August and missed 4 freaking weeks for the miscarriage that would never end (still not over BTW)). This means I can be fired at any time for any reason because I'm on a probation period.
I was worried about missing so much time before I went back. Now this. I completely expect to be fired tomorrow.
Even if I'm not, there is no recovering with dignity from this. All the nurses know that were on today and tonight, and everyone talks so . . . no one will trust me or my skills again.
I may have just ruined our only chance to be parents because of this. I may have just ruined my only chance to make my husband a father because we can't afford to adopt without my pay.
I am mortified. I am beyond mortified.
Sharing Our News
So this week we are sharing our new family path with our (immediate)
families.
Last night we told my parents, sister and grandmother,
My family handled the news very well. There were surprised but had a genuine interest in it, especially given that we've chosen Russia.
I was adopted so I think that makes the idea a little easier for my family. Plus, they knew we were struggling, although they didn't know the details.
What caught me off guard was how hard it was to tell my parents. We've told our references, my grandmother and my sister but telling my folks was really hard, and I kept choking up. DH had to help me get it out. It was very overwhelming and made it all seem very . . . final.
Tonight we told DH's family.
His grandfather thought is was great news. It was quite the day as it's the anniversary of his wife's passing. He was sweet and excited for us.
His father was surprised but really happy.
His mother . . . - well, allow me to preface this by saying that she suffers from eternal verbal diarrhea. To no end. She doesn't even know what she is saying sometimes (really - she isn't present in the moment and often just lets herself say things without thinking).
Well, she thought we were calling because we were pregnant.
She was SHOCKED at the news but pleased . . . we think. She asked a lot of questions. However, we got the "Russia, not China??"
We also got this: "No interest in having your MIL carry your child for you instead?"
What do you say to something like that????? (she has NO idea about our surrogacy journey).
Overall it went well, and we're feeling more comfortable with the news being out. But still - SERIOUSLY?!!??
Last night we told my parents, sister and grandmother,
My family handled the news very well. There were surprised but had a genuine interest in it, especially given that we've chosen Russia.
I was adopted so I think that makes the idea a little easier for my family. Plus, they knew we were struggling, although they didn't know the details.
What caught me off guard was how hard it was to tell my parents. We've told our references, my grandmother and my sister but telling my folks was really hard, and I kept choking up. DH had to help me get it out. It was very overwhelming and made it all seem very . . . final.
Tonight we told DH's family.
His grandfather thought is was great news. It was quite the day as it's the anniversary of his wife's passing. He was sweet and excited for us.
His father was surprised but really happy.
His mother . . . - well, allow me to preface this by saying that she suffers from eternal verbal diarrhea. To no end. She doesn't even know what she is saying sometimes (really - she isn't present in the moment and often just lets herself say things without thinking).
Well, she thought we were calling because we were pregnant.
She was SHOCKED at the news but pleased . . . we think. She asked a lot of questions. However, we got the "Russia, not China??"
We also got this: "No interest in having your MIL carry your child for you instead?"
What do you say to something like that????? (she has NO idea about our surrogacy journey).
Overall it went well, and we're feeling more comfortable with the news being out. But still - SERIOUSLY?!!??
Loss Update
So things are still going on.
The meds did the trick (actually, things jump started themselves right before the first dose). It was a really rough and horrible weekend, but things are starting to improve.
Good news is that I managed to avoid surgery, thank goodness.
So there's a brief update for you.
The meds did the trick (actually, things jump started themselves right before the first dose). It was a really rough and horrible weekend, but things are starting to improve.
Good news is that I managed to avoid surgery, thank goodness.
So there's a brief update for you.
Update to Today's Post
The Bad
Before I started the meds I passed more tissue. Meds tomorrow (because I am determines to sleep tonight). Beta on Tuesday, ultrasound on Wednesday, surgery on Friday. BUT I'm hoping the passing of tissue prevents that.
The Good
I actually got an email response from the Social Worker tonight! And I talked to her associate on the phone. First appointment is on the 26th!
Before I started the meds I passed more tissue. Meds tomorrow (because I am determines to sleep tonight). Beta on Tuesday, ultrasound on Wednesday, surgery on Friday. BUT I'm hoping the passing of tissue prevents that.
The Good
I actually got an email response from the Social Worker tonight! And I talked to her associate on the phone. First appointment is on the 26th!
There's Some Bad, But Some Good To
The Bad
This morning I got a call from the RE - she just looked at the beta draw from yesterday. It decreased by half from last week but she's not okay with that.
She just told me I can't go back to work tomorrow, I have to take meds again and booked me for surgery next Friday.
I'm losing my mind and I have NO idea how I'm going to tell my boss this. Not to mention that people I know fro the nursing class behind me start a work placement ON MY UNIT tomorrow and are expecting me to be there. And my unit isn't so *ahem* quiet with the gossip.
This is so unfair! I can't believe I am doing this again. I could rip someone's eyes out.
The Good
Lots has happened so I thought I would give another update.
Last night I spoke to a lady from NL who was listed as a reference for one of our considered adoption agencies. We talked for 2 hours!
She was full of great information and didn't miss a beat. She offered SO may little details of things I wouldn't think to ask. I'm very grateful she was so open to talk to me! I got some great information and made another contact (she asked me to keep in touch and keep her posted on our journey). I have to say - I've lucked out with people so far!
In today's mail was our list of approved private home study practitioners! This means we passed the Child Abuse/Child Welfare Registry Check!!
In Halifax there is only one person to choose from (the others are spread out across Nova Scotia). She has a very impressive background and has worked in many different areas (you get a mini-resumé with the referral).
I've put in a call (and an email) already, but given that it is nearly 4pm on a Friday afternoon I doubt I'll hear back today. Either way, we hope to hear back soon, and that it won't take TOO long to get started.
Cost of such a home study? $2000 so not TOO bad actually, compared to some other provinces.
Application Received!
So, in my oh-so-nervous-something-will-go-wrong-at-every-turn way of
handling things, we put a signature tracker on our application, so I
could know when it was received and who signed for it.
It was received at the office today :)
I do love Canada Post sometimes!
Also, one of the two adoption agencies we're considering had included a list of patrons as references, complete with their phone number. I called one family today (they're from Ontario) to see how they found the process, and more specifically, their agency. This one agency is really hard to find reviews on and we want to be sure we made the right choice!
She had nothing but stellar things to say, which was a huge sigh of relief for me. She praised the staff, their comprehensive process (both in Canada and while travelling to Russia) and answered a few of my questions.
This wonderful lady also sent me a link to the blog she kept while travelling to and from Russia so I could follow her family's adventure. I must say that I hope to have time to sight see while in Russia - there are so many things there that sound amazing and beautiful.
The conversation left me feeling much more comfortable with this particular agency. You see, here in Nova Scotia there are no adoption agencies, and you need one for inter-country adoption. So, alas, you need to find one from another province that will work with you, and is licensed to work with you, as well as be licensed with your Country of choice (in this case that's Russia).
So I set out on a few weeks of MAJOR research reading everything I could and we got things narrowed down to 2 agencies. Now we just need to wait to see if anyone in Nova Scotia (the provincial government authorities or the private home study practitioners) have an opinion on either agency.
_________________________________
While I was writing this we got a call from the lady who signed for the application today. She wanted to check on a few things:
This is great! And it's completely odd that I am off work both weekend days - so hooray!
Also, the lady I spoke with told me that she's doing our Child Abuse/Child Welfare Registry Check now and will pop the list of approved home study practitioners in the mail as soon as it's done.
Today is a pretty good day on the adoption front! I would have loved to have seen DH's face when I called him at work to fill him in!
It was received at the office today :)
I do love Canada Post sometimes!
Also, one of the two adoption agencies we're considering had included a list of patrons as references, complete with their phone number. I called one family today (they're from Ontario) to see how they found the process, and more specifically, their agency. This one agency is really hard to find reviews on and we want to be sure we made the right choice!
She had nothing but stellar things to say, which was a huge sigh of relief for me. She praised the staff, their comprehensive process (both in Canada and while travelling to Russia) and answered a few of my questions.
This wonderful lady also sent me a link to the blog she kept while travelling to and from Russia so I could follow her family's adventure. I must say that I hope to have time to sight see while in Russia - there are so many things there that sound amazing and beautiful.
The conversation left me feeling much more comfortable with this particular agency. You see, here in Nova Scotia there are no adoption agencies, and you need one for inter-country adoption. So, alas, you need to find one from another province that will work with you, and is licensed to work with you, as well as be licensed with your Country of choice (in this case that's Russia).
So I set out on a few weeks of MAJOR research reading everything I could and we got things narrowed down to 2 agencies. Now we just need to wait to see if anyone in Nova Scotia (the provincial government authorities or the private home study practitioners) have an opinion on either agency.
_________________________________
While I was writing this we got a call from the lady who signed for the application today. She wanted to check on a few things:
- Have we looked into agencies? Have we found agencies that will work with Nova Scotians?
- Are we aware of all that's involved with adoption from Russia (the travel, the translation, the cost, etc)?
- Did we make it any further in our domestic adoption application?
This is great! And it's completely odd that I am off work both weekend days - so hooray!
Also, the lady I spoke with told me that she's doing our Child Abuse/Child Welfare Registry Check now and will pop the list of approved home study practitioners in the mail as soon as it's done.
Today is a pretty good day on the adoption front! I would have loved to have seen DH's face when I called him at work to fill him in!
Building A Family - Update
Hello all,
Yesterday was a wonderful holiday. After all this time I am still so very in love with my husband. I'm a very lucky woman (also, don't we look cute in yesterday's pic??).
I'm feeling like I'm in a bit more of a manageable place now, so I wanted to give an update.
We have officially put an end to fertility treatments . . . for now. We have 7 frozen embryos but no reason to believe that another pregnancy wouldn't end in another loss. That is to say, the RE and team can't think of anything else to do and they're the only team here so we're stuck. So we're done. MY body has been through enough and it's taken a toll on me. We're leaving the door open to perhaps do an FET in a couple of years, and we will never TTA, but we're done.
This decision has been a tough one but one that feels right to me. It's the oddest things that I am finding comfort in - that my boobs will never shrink again after another loss, that I can now lose the extra weight I carry and learn to not miss my phantom bump. That I can purge our home of HPTs and TTC tools.
We are moving on to other ways to build our family.
1) Surrogacy. Some of you may remember me talking about this before. We're going to move forward. Our surrogate is being screened in December and we hope to do a FET in Feb/March.
2) Adoption.
- Domestic - We applied in March of 2011 but in our province there is a 6-8 year wait. We're still registered but haven't even being called for PRIDE training as there's a 3-4 year wait for that.
- International - We sent in our application this weekend. We plan to adopt from Russia. Again, this is a very long process here - it will take approx. 8 months just to have our home study completed. Things move slowly in my province for anything, but we're hoping that in 2 years we'll be bringing a little toddler boy home).
I've said before, and I will say again, that I am a very lucky woman. DH and I have been through hell and back trying to have a baby - it's not an easy road and it can take a very serious toll on a marriage. My husband is a wonderful man who is very patient with me, and more understanding that I can ever pay tribute to. Without my husband I would be a shattered mess by now. Together we have built a wonderful marriage and I'm very thankful for him.
Some marriages don't come through infertility well. Truth be told it takes work, but it's possible to come through stronger than before - and that's where we are.
Husband - should you read this, I love you.
Happy Would-Be Birthday
To my dear twins.
You should have joined us today, but sadly you were taken from us too soon. Much too soon.
You are loved.
You are thought of.
You are missed.
~ Mommy
It's Happened :(
With the little to no bleeding, tonight the cramping got worse. Like, I started timing the contraction worse. I told DH that something was likely going to happen since it seemed like my body was really working on something.
And it did. I passed Lil' Buddy tonight.
And then I collected him, put him in a specimen cup and will be dropping him off to the lab tomorrow so they can be sure that the embryo didn't split and they weren't missing a piece in one of my tubes.
The pain is unreal tonight. But hopefully the worse is almost over.
I'm absolutely emotionally drained.
And I don't wish collection on any person.
Why I'm Not Moving On
Everyone is wonderful, and keeps asking me how I'm doing, or how I'm holding up. I have people who care so much, but they don't know what's going on so I'm going to share. And this isn't going to be easy, so beware the details.
We know we've lost the baby. But that doesn't mean that I've actually lost the baby yet.
I'm on Misoprostol. This is a drug to dilate the cervix. I take 2 tabs vaginally twice a day. I started the meds on Friday (it's now Tuesday).
The meds cause contractions. Not cramps. Contractions. And it sucks. The pain is unreal. I'm on 2mg Dilaudid for pain every 4 hours, plus Zofran for nausea. Guess what? The Dilaudid isn't doing the trick. It hurts like hell and is making my legs turn numb every time. Then the pain starts going down my legs.
But the even less fun part? Is that it's barely working. Yes, I've started bleeding, but it's bleeding bleeding. It's watery and thin. There have been no clots yet and no "tissue".
So, the last 4 days feel like it's been for nothing. I'm a wreck and doing what I can to do this with some class but it's not going very well.
The doctors think it may be ectopic, and that they may need to do a D&C anyway. Which sucks because they can't even be thorough in my uterus or they may puncture it, so that sucks. They may also need to do a laparoscopy to flush out my tubes.
So all this wonderful experience is doing is dragging itself out which feels like nature's way of torturing me - actually purposely torturing me.
So for those who have offered their support - thank you. But this is how I am. Just because I announced a loss doesn't mean it's over - or even near over.
Thank You
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has shown me support. It means a great deal to me.
Beta Update
Sep 24 - Beta - 118
Sep 26 - Beta - 160 - Beta Hell
So the docs are thinking ectopic since, after 2 ultrasounds, they see nothing whatsoever in my uterus. However, with a beta this low it's possible they wouldn't see anything if there was something in my tubes.
So here's the plan: I start a medication Misoprostol to soften my cervix and start cramping/contractions.
If I pass *obvious tissue* I am to collect it and take it in for testing (yup - your read that right. I have to collect Lil Buddy in a cup). I am to have weekly bloodwork until my beta is < 5miu.
I am off work until I can go back - starting with 2 weeks until I've recovered (just got off the phone with my boss, she's okay with it).
If the number continues to rise they'll be doing a D&C regardless.
I've had a referral to a psychologist sent from the clinic. I need help this time around.
So there you have it. An update.
I very fittingly feel like hell today - but hubby is off playing golf and I'm glad because it's the only reprieve he allows himself - he needs time and space and a break just as much as I do.
So there's your update. I don't feel like working out today at all. Napping is more like it. Maybe tonight I'll go for a walk or something.
Sep 26 - Beta - 160 - Beta Hell
So the docs are thinking ectopic since, after 2 ultrasounds, they see nothing whatsoever in my uterus. However, with a beta this low it's possible they wouldn't see anything if there was something in my tubes.
So here's the plan: I start a medication Misoprostol to soften my cervix and start cramping/contractions.
If I pass *obvious tissue* I am to collect it and take it in for testing (yup - your read that right. I have to collect Lil Buddy in a cup). I am to have weekly bloodwork until my beta is < 5miu.
I am off work until I can go back - starting with 2 weeks until I've recovered (just got off the phone with my boss, she's okay with it).
If the number continues to rise they'll be doing a D&C regardless.
I've had a referral to a psychologist sent from the clinic. I need help this time around.
So there you have it. An update.
I very fittingly feel like hell today - but hubby is off playing golf and I'm glad because it's the only reprieve he allows himself - he needs time and space and a break just as much as I do.
So there's your update. I don't feel like working out today at all. Napping is more like it. Maybe tonight I'll go for a walk or something.
Gluten, Gluttony & A Workout
I had gluten last night. For the first time in 3 years I had gluten. It was hard, but I think I wanted to punish my body (I'm a Celiac).
I'm having some pretty serious head pain and face pain as a result. Along with the obvious (horrid) GI issues (I have neuro complications).
But it felt good - in a really wrong way.
What I ate:
- Chicken Balls
- Part of Cinnabon
- A turkey and bacon round from Subway
Anyway, so I had eaten clean the rest of the day, so I enjoyed.
So I worked out for the first time in a month today. Treadmill + weights.
How is it that I punish my body one day, and try to rebuild it the next? I'm so confused with my feelings right now!
Audacity
Yesterday I set and shared my goal for the next 38 days.
I shared it with MFP buds and Tumblr.
My goal is to lose 7.8lbs. While going through a miscarriage (which hasn’t started yet) and coming off a butt-load of IVF meds.
And what does someone say?
“You should make it 8lbs.”
How about you STFU? How about that??
My Body
I gained 6 lbs over the last month. Joy.
I know the progesterone is a big factor (it was last time too) but it's just something I have to get rid of.
I need to start working out again so that my body will feel like my own, and maybe I'll start to feel like it isn't always betraying me. To be honest, I've needed to lose weight for years, but ever since my first miscarriage more than a decade ago I've never really wanted to give up my belly - since I never got a bump.
I think I'm going to make an appointment with a counsellor to help me through this. I need to adjust my thinking so I can lose weight and not sabotage my the loss of my belly. I need help getting through this loss, because for me it's more than that.
I won't be getting pregnant again. We'll either be using our surrogate or adopting. I now have to mourn the loss of womanhood on top of everything else.
Life isn't fair, I know that. no one ever told me it was. But life is cruel at the most fundamental of levels, and I wasn't expecting that. I fucking hate this.
Catching You Up
So, as some of you know, last week things seem to change. My cramps changed and I started feeling "different." I knew it was bad, I called my clinic to tell them what was going on and the nurse (Brenda - because I loathe her enough to tell you her name) dismissed everything I said.
The conversation went something like this:
- Me: Something is wrong. The cramps have changed - they're sharper now and got bad enough to wake me up in the middle of the night last night. This isn't the normal cramping I've been having since ET, this is different. I know the difference.
- Her: Sharp?
- Me: Yes. They're sharp and not normal.
- Her: Well, different women have different types of cramping. It's totally normal.
- Me: As I said, the cramps have changed. They're becoming severe. Something has changed.
- Her: Well I've never heard of cramps like that. I don't know what that could mean. I'll put a note in your file.
- Me: I'd like to come in for blood work.
- Her: You just had it yesterday. You're already coming in a week early for your ultrasound. There's nothing that can be done anyway. I'll let the doctor know.
I was stressed, so I came home and put my feet up all of Friday. DH took the day off and we went to my GP. She ordered a second blood test for that day. We went over, but we wouldn't get the results until Monday. I rested the rest of the night.
Saturday I rested as much as possible, but I did have to celebrate my parent's anniversary (we haven't seen them in months and they have no idea what is going on).
Sunday and Monday I worked 12 hour day shifts. I had a ton of cramps but I got through it with some help from the ladies I work with. I wasn't being a hero - I told them what was going on.
When we got the results on Monday they were encouraging. 1542 - a doubling time of 52ish hours.
On Tuesday and Wednesday it was 12 hour night shifts. Throughout them I was doing okay - the cramps were a bit better and I was starting to be hopeful again.
When I got up yesterday from sleeping for 6 hours Hubby was home and, at my request, had brought home another Clear Blue Digital. I took it. It wasn't good. The weeks had decreased from "2-3" to "1-2". I freaked. I took a lined test. The line was super faint. A couple hours the cramping started. And started getting progressively worse.
We went to the ER. They ran a beta - it came back at 110.
When we got home we called the clinic and the brought us in this afternoon. They did an ultrasound to confirm - they didn't see anything.
I asked the doc for meds. He thought that was odd. I asked for Dilaudid, Zofran and Ativan. Last time was HORRIBLE. The contractions were so bad I couldn't deal (because the D&C wasn't successful). So I wanted to be prepared. The doc was not impressed and made me justify it each med. Seriously?
I also told the doc that I'm off work for a few days, but if I'm not through this by the time I have to go back then I'll have to have him write me off work. He said "we'll see". I fucking hate my clinic. It made me think "What? You want me to go through a miscarriage while at work for 12 hours?" I don't fucking think so.
I'm done. I am so fucking done.
Miscarriage
Another loss confirmed.
Beta on Friday was 1542. Tonight it was 110.
Thank you for all your support. I really appreciate it.
This was the last round for us.
I have received a lot of support from people on here and I want to say thank you.
My emotional up and downs are horrible! But of course I want to keep you updated.
Wednesday night I woke up with super sharp cramps. They stuck around into Thursday and then I started feeling pressure "down there" too.
So I called in sick to my shift today so I could rest with my legs up. I went to see my GP and she referred me to the high risk clinic without waiting for me to be released from the IVF clinic. I'm waiting to hear from them but they'll get me in soon to follow me.
I also had a 2nd beta draw (but only because there was cause with the cramping apparently). I won't get the results until Monday as the doctor's office closes early today, but it's done so that's fine.
I'm taking it easy today and tomorrow (as best I can with a family function). I'm back to work on Sunday for 4 days and will see how I'm doing.
Hopefully all is okay but given my nasty history and the fact that my gut has never been wrong, I'm very anxious.
So, in keeping with my love of home pregnancy tests, and in the spirit of seeking solace, I took another digital pregnancy test. The conception indicator still said "2-3 weeks". Yes I KNOW that these things are not reliable. That's not the point.
The point is that last time I was pregnant it went up to "3+" the day before the beta test, which turned out to be 1449. This time it's not which tells me that the 762 from Wednesday has likely not doubled.
My symptoms are starting to fade. They are all there but not as strong as they were. I am also not nauseated at all anymore, which is not normal for my pregnancies.
My gut is telling me it's over. But there's nothing anyone can tell me at this point.
**Now, over all this, I have received amazing support from my online community. But please remember in offering your support that this is not my first pregnancy. I've been through 4 miscarriages and 1 chemical pregnancy.**
So after this, I don't think I'll ever be pregnant again. That's a very sobering thought.
My emotional up and downs are horrible! But of course I want to keep you updated.
Wednesday night I woke up with super sharp cramps. They stuck around into Thursday and then I started feeling pressure "down there" too.
So I called in sick to my shift today so I could rest with my legs up. I went to see my GP and she referred me to the high risk clinic without waiting for me to be released from the IVF clinic. I'm waiting to hear from them but they'll get me in soon to follow me.
I also had a 2nd beta draw (but only because there was cause with the cramping apparently). I won't get the results until Monday as the doctor's office closes early today, but it's done so that's fine.
I'm taking it easy today and tomorrow (as best I can with a family function). I'm back to work on Sunday for 4 days and will see how I'm doing.
Hopefully all is okay but given my nasty history and the fact that my gut has never been wrong, I'm very anxious.
So, in keeping with my love of home pregnancy tests, and in the spirit of seeking solace, I took another digital pregnancy test. The conception indicator still said "2-3 weeks". Yes I KNOW that these things are not reliable. That's not the point.
The point is that last time I was pregnant it went up to "3+" the day before the beta test, which turned out to be 1449. This time it's not which tells me that the 762 from Wednesday has likely not doubled.
My symptoms are starting to fade. They are all there but not as strong as they were. I am also not nauseated at all anymore, which is not normal for my pregnancies.
My gut is telling me it's over. But there's nothing anyone can tell me at this point.
**Now, over all this, I have received amazing support from my online community. But please remember in offering your support that this is not my first pregnancy. I've been through 4 miscarriages and 1 chemical pregnancy.**
So after this, I don't think I'll ever be pregnant again. That's a very sobering thought.
No more pregnancy weekly updates on here until I see a heartbeat or have another loss.
I will tell you that today is 5 weeks, and as I mentioned below the first ultrasound is on the 26th (7 weeks).
I don't have anything more in me at the moment.
I have some great cheerleaders, but I needed some sort of reassurance that things were going smoothly. Instead all I got was more uncertainty, and I simply don't have the strength for keeping a good face on.
I'll be in touch.
Beta
I had my first beta today at 16dp5dt aka 21 dpo and it was 752. Good(ish) but not great and lower than they expected it to be.
I don't get a repeat and my ultrasound is on the 26th. Last time I didn't make it that far.
I hate infertility. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.
I know there are stories of success out there, but those are more the exception than the norm.
I don't get a repeat and my ultrasound is on the 26th. Last time I didn't make it that far.
I hate infertility. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.
I know there are stories of success out there, but those are more the exception than the norm.
Dinner!
Chicken cutlets done homemade chicken-parm style with a bigger-than-normal side of baby potatoes done with pesto. Yum!
Today was 1 of 3 days of the health district's nursing education days for new hires (aka me) and I got to reconnect with a couple of people from my grad class, which was great. I expected it to be super boring but it wasn't too bad actually. A little juvenile (team building exercises - bleh) but it was okay overall.
Tomorrow is my beta - finally! I can't wait to be past this part (with a good # ofcourse). It's been such a long wait!
I'm waiting for my copy of What To Expect to arrive (the movie). Can't wait to watch it! When it was in theatres I was too sad and feeling to sorry for myself to see it, so I'm exited to be able to see it now!
Today was 1 of 3 days of the health district's nursing education days for new hires (aka me) and I got to reconnect with a couple of people from my grad class, which was great. I expected it to be super boring but it wasn't too bad actually. A little juvenile (team building exercises - bleh) but it was okay overall.
Tomorrow is my beta - finally! I can't wait to be past this part (with a good # ofcourse). It's been such a long wait!
I'm waiting for my copy of What To Expect to arrive (the movie). Can't wait to watch it! When it was in theatres I was too sad and feeling to sorry for myself to see it, so I'm exited to be able to see it now!
Controversial Pregnancy Topic #1
I'm on a few different site and I've noticed a few things.
Drug pushers.
Yes, morning sickness sucks. Yes, it's hard to manage when feeling sick and throwing up is usually a bad thing. But why do people automatically suggest drugs? I mean, really? Why? Didn't you know this was part of it?
Now I know everyone has their own opinions, and that everyone has an opinion on everything, but don't you think you could at least try to deal with it without jumping into the doctor's office to ask for drugs?
Tonight there was a post on a board about how one lady is having trouble getting back to sleep after each pee break in the middle of the night (I hear ya! Me too!). So what does someone tell her? Take Tylenol PM? Umm . . . no. Not okay. Do not drug yourself to go back to sleep when you're pregnant. That is not okay.
Yes, these drugs are there for a reason. And at one time or another WHEN DEEMED ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING OF THE MOTHER AND BABY they have been prescribed, but c'mon!
So my opinion is if you need it and it's there, that's great. But at 5 weeks pregnant (I kid you not) I'm pretty sure you can at least try not to turn to drugs.
It occurs to me that my opinion my be formed, in part, by my experience with IF. Well, so be it. Just because I'm HAVING a baby doesn't mean I need to ACT like one . . . at least not all the time,
Drug pushers.
Yes, morning sickness sucks. Yes, it's hard to manage when feeling sick and throwing up is usually a bad thing. But why do people automatically suggest drugs? I mean, really? Why? Didn't you know this was part of it?
Now I know everyone has their own opinions, and that everyone has an opinion on everything, but don't you think you could at least try to deal with it without jumping into the doctor's office to ask for drugs?
Tonight there was a post on a board about how one lady is having trouble getting back to sleep after each pee break in the middle of the night (I hear ya! Me too!). So what does someone tell her? Take Tylenol PM? Umm . . . no. Not okay. Do not drug yourself to go back to sleep when you're pregnant. That is not okay.
Yes, these drugs are there for a reason. And at one time or another WHEN DEEMED ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING OF THE MOTHER AND BABY they have been prescribed, but c'mon!
So my opinion is if you need it and it's there, that's great. But at 5 weeks pregnant (I kid you not) I'm pretty sure you can at least try not to turn to drugs.
It occurs to me that my opinion my be formed, in part, by my experience with IF. Well, so be it. Just because I'm HAVING a baby doesn't mean I need to ACT like one . . . at least not all the time,
Quote From Husband
"Wow, I really got the up end of the mood swings tonight! I love you too, Honey."
~ After I spent the last few hours telling
him how much I love him and adored
him over and over.
Catching Up
Hey everyone!
So I've been back to work for a bit now.
The first day was really nerve-wracking because my cramps kept getting worse and worse. I was really nervous but they went away when I was home with my feet up.
The last couple of shifts were better. Lots of cramps still, but not as severe. I think what helps is the consistency, but also having a great husband who takes great care of me the moment I'm off work.
We're both so incredibly nervous that we're being as careful as we can. I am trying to rest a lot, take naps and eat pretty well. Hubby has been great at cooking and cleaning while I'm taking it easy.
If we make it through this it will be an incredible gift. And then I'll feel more comfortable going about my daily routine. But until then I'm just too nervous.
But, husband is wonderful!
So yesterday the digital pregnancy test advanced a level. So now it says 2-3 weeks. It was such a relief to see! (honestly, I'd been testing too much waiting for it to happen).
So that's it for my update today. I'm off to be to rest and try to sleep in tomorrow.
So I've been back to work for a bit now.
The first day was really nerve-wracking because my cramps kept getting worse and worse. I was really nervous but they went away when I was home with my feet up.
The last couple of shifts were better. Lots of cramps still, but not as severe. I think what helps is the consistency, but also having a great husband who takes great care of me the moment I'm off work.
We're both so incredibly nervous that we're being as careful as we can. I am trying to rest a lot, take naps and eat pretty well. Hubby has been great at cooking and cleaning while I'm taking it easy.
If we make it through this it will be an incredible gift. And then I'll feel more comfortable going about my daily routine. But until then I'm just too nervous.
But, husband is wonderful!
So yesterday the digital pregnancy test advanced a level. So now it says 2-3 weeks. It was such a relief to see! (honestly, I'd been testing too much waiting for it to happen).
Snack Attack
Chews and Tear Jerkers.
String cheese.
And finally . . . toast with mashed avocado and sprinkled herb feta.
Yum!
String cheese.
And finally . . . toast with mashed avocado and sprinkled herb feta.
Yum!
Christmas & Tests
So, as I mentioned in an earlier post that we're making Christmas hampers this year for Christmas gifts. Well, the vanilla bottles I ordered showed up yesterday! 48 4 ounce amber bottles with black caps - they're perfect! I'm thrilled to get to use them!
And as for the tests, I'm using a combination of internet cheap-ie tests, FRERs and digitals. I've take quite a few of the cheapies (and I have a bunch to spare so they'll last me awhile too . . . likely because I ordered 30 of them at one time). Anyway, today I took a pic with my cell phone of my lined up tests. Warning: photo quality isn't great.
Today's is so wonderfully dark :)
And as for the tests, I'm using a combination of internet cheap-ie tests, FRERs and digitals. I've take quite a few of the cheapies (and I have a bunch to spare so they'll last me awhile too . . . likely because I ordered 30 of them at one time). Anyway, today I took a pic with my cell phone of my lined up tests. Warning: photo quality isn't great.
Today's is so wonderfully dark :)
4 Weeks Pregnant
How far along are you? 4 weeks today!
How big is baby? Poppy seed
Weight gain/loss? Nada
Stretch marks? Nothing new
Maternity clothes? Yes, but only because I needed them after the IVF. A lot of my bloat has disappeared though, so that's great. But I'm anti-anything tight right now. HOWEVER I am very attached to my maternity sleep bra.
Best moment this week? My BFP!!! Okay, my multiple BFPs.
Gender? Boy! Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy! I've thought boy since I saw the embryo at the transfer. I say boy!
Movement? haha, no
Belly button? My belly button has always been a freaking cave.
Symptoms?
- Cramps: mega-stretching/tugging/pulling-type cramps (not the same as PMS cramps). And they are mainly on one side (my left).
- Nausea: It hit today! Right on the 4 week mark!I had some when I first started the progesterone, but that went away. I had one night a few days ago where I woke up wanting to puke at 4 am, but that went away too. Today was brutal!
- Trouble getting to sleep
- Boobies! :) My very first symptom was my bright blue veins showing up, and now they're sore. Very sore! But weirdly the most comfortable way to sleep is to squish them!
Cravings? Nothing really. Well, gherkins a little. I love gherkins.
What do I miss? Nothing! Although I had a moment of shock when I realized I couldn't have a drink this past weekend. Not the TTC SHOULDN'T have a drink, but that I CAN'T. Love it!
What I'm looking forward to this week? Not too much going on this next week. In exactly 1 week (when we move to 5 weeks) I have my beta. At 16dp5dt! My clinic is so annoying.
Milestones? HCG! Otherwise, I'm not sure what to put here.
Shopping? Yes. I can't help it. DH wasn't too keen on it, but I believe every pregnancy (read every baby) should have something bought for them. They deserve something of their own, if for no other reason but for me to remember later.
So, yes, I bought 2 baby blankets. Odd enough, they were blankets I regretted not buying last time, and I was afraid they'd be gone.
Yes, there are both blue, but they are both a very soft blue so I figured that either a boy or a girl can use them. If there's a girl, lol.
Feelings
Okay, since transfer I have felt pretty darned confident about this cycle and pregnancy.
But now that I know I'm pregnant I'm getting nervous. Even yesterday I was through the roof confident, and told DH it's a boy because I *just knew* that it was and that Lil' Buddy will Stick & Stay for all the right reasons and reminded him that this is the PERFECT time in our life for us to become parents.
Tonight I'm a little more worried. I have so much time to waste waiting until we know what's really going on with Lil' Buddy.
I'm nervous.
But now that I know I'm pregnant I'm getting nervous. Even yesterday I was through the roof confident, and told DH it's a boy because I *just knew* that it was and that Lil' Buddy will Stick & Stay for all the right reasons and reminded him that this is the PERFECT time in our life for us to become parents.
Tonight I'm a little more worried. I have so much time to waste waiting until we know what's really going on with Lil' Buddy.
I'm nervous.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
PLEASE Stick & Stay.
Let's Talk Christmas
Yup - this year I am THAT women.
We are making Christmas Hampers this year and we've gotten started. In my opinion, as soon as we're in a month that ends in "-ber" then it's fair game!
So the list for the year is:
So the vanilla has been going for months, and I'm putting on a new batch tomorrow. I ordered bottles online last week and those should be here sometime this week (yay!).
Last night we made the Christmas ornaments for everyone. They are clean balls with rolled up ribbon inside.
And tonight we did the homemade laundry detergent!
I still need to make labels for all of these, but that's okay - I think I'll enjoy that part.
Hopefully Lil' Buddy will stick around for good, and we'll tell everyone by signing the card (inside the cellophane around the hamper) with our names and Baby __________. Hopefully everyone will open it on Christmas Day so everyone can find out at the same time.
We are making Christmas Hampers this year and we've gotten started. In my opinion, as soon as we're in a month that ends in "-ber" then it's fair game!
So the list for the year is:
- Vanilla Extract - mostly made
- Chocolate Balls
- Laundry Soap - made
- Chocolate Brittle
- Apple Butter
- Ornament - made
- Cookie Cutter
- Hand Scrub
- Lemonade
- Montreal Steak Rub
- Jam
- Banana CC Loaf
- Taco Seasoning
- Spaghetti Sauce
- Pesto
- Magic Bags
- Soup Mix
- Toothbrush Carrier
- Hot Chocolate
- Mini-Alcohol
- Mini-Cake
- Candy Sticks
- Spiced Nuts
- Scratch Ticket Fortunes For The New Year
So the vanilla has been going for months, and I'm putting on a new batch tomorrow. I ordered bottles online last week and those should be here sometime this week (yay!).
And tonight we did the homemade laundry detergent!
I still need to make labels for all of these, but that's okay - I think I'll enjoy that part.
Hopefully Lil' Buddy will stick around for good, and we'll tell everyone by signing the card (inside the cellophane around the hamper) with our names and Baby __________. Hopefully everyone will open it on Christmas Day so everyone can find out at the same time.
Well . . .
I tested out my trigger.
Today I got a 2nd line.
And then I got a digital.
It's 5dp5dt so it's still early, but this is the same day I got it last time too. I will, ofcourse, keep testing!
Today I got a 2nd line.
And then I got a digital.
It's 5dp5dt so it's still early, but this is the same day I got it last time too. I will, ofcourse, keep testing!
I can't believe I'm pregnant again. I'm really hoping Lil' Buddy sticks around.
The Truth About The 2WW
Stick & Stay
Stick & Stay
Stick & Stay
Stick & Stay
Symptoms |
I'm Bored!
Let's just say that I am not a patient person.
So here's a pic of the transfer ultrasound, lol. Because I have to post something!
So the little all white spot that the arrow is pointing at is Lil' Buddy.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
I am feeling more like myself today. DH is back to work so it's just me and the kitties home. I cleaned the kitchen (thank goodness! DH just doesn't do it the same way I do! lol) so that's nice. I had a wonderfully healthy breakfast and now I plan to relax and maybe take a slow walk on the treadmill, because I need to do something.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
So here's a pic of the transfer ultrasound, lol. Because I have to post something!
So the little all white spot that the arrow is pointing at is Lil' Buddy.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
I am feeling more like myself today. DH is back to work so it's just me and the kitties home. I cleaned the kitchen (thank goodness! DH just doesn't do it the same way I do! lol) so that's nice. I had a wonderfully healthy breakfast and now I plan to relax and maybe take a slow walk on the treadmill, because I need to do something.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Update
So I went for a super slow walk on the treadmill (like a casual stroll through the most boring store aisle - seriously I was going 2 mi/hr). 9 minutes in I start getting some cramps on my right side, so I stop.
I'm so paranoid!
It still hurt to bend over to put on my sneakers, for crying out loud. This is foolish!
But yet, it's mainly me being terrified of squishing Lil' Buddy or something.
*sigh*
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Burrow In, Lil' Buddy!
Transfer is done!
Okay - so we transferred 1 extended blastocyst today. The Embryologist really liked it, and said it had already collapsed and expanded which is a really good sign.
Not knowing what that actually means, I found this fantastic explanation of embryo growth and development and the beginning stages.
The Ebryologist also gave him a grade of 19/20. This is great . . . but I can not find any online reference as to what it means. But there's no fragmentation!
My beta (blood test) is on September 12th. I think I may actually wait for that blood test instead of having my GP order one - I seem to be handling this cycle better than the first, so we shall see. But I'll still start peeing on things this coming weekend . . . or maybe tomorrow, to test out my trigger shot, ofcourse.
So I took it easy today - we set up movies in the bedroom (which is a huge no-no usually) so I can lay back and relax in the air conditioning. DH too, and I'm impressed he stuck it out. He hates sitting still.
Unfortunately, things went a little awry today. In saying that what I actually mean is - I pooped. A lot. I avoided "pushing" but I hated having to! I was hoping to stay away from the toilet as much as possible today. No matter what all the doctors say, I'm just not comfortable with the idea. But there was no spotting so that's a good sign.
I really hope this Lil Buddy sticks and stays.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Good night!
Okay - so we transferred 1 extended blastocyst today. The Embryologist really liked it, and said it had already collapsed and expanded which is a really good sign.
Not knowing what that actually means, I found this fantastic explanation of embryo growth and development and the beginning stages.
The Ebryologist also gave him a grade of 19/20. This is great . . . but I can not find any online reference as to what it means. But there's no fragmentation!
Here's Lil' Buddy!
My beta (blood test) is on September 12th. I think I may actually wait for that blood test instead of having my GP order one - I seem to be handling this cycle better than the first, so we shall see. But I'll still start peeing on things this coming weekend . . . or maybe tomorrow, to test out my trigger shot, ofcourse.
So I took it easy today - we set up movies in the bedroom (which is a huge no-no usually) so I can lay back and relax in the air conditioning. DH too, and I'm impressed he stuck it out. He hates sitting still.
Unfortunately, things went a little awry today. In saying that what I actually mean is - I pooped. A lot. I avoided "pushing" but I hated having to! I was hoping to stay away from the toilet as much as possible today. No matter what all the doctors say, I'm just not comfortable with the idea. But there was no spotting so that's a good sign.
I really hope this Lil Buddy sticks and stays.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Stick & Stay.
Good night!
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