My Body

I gained 6 lbs over the last month. Joy.

I know the progesterone is a big factor (it was last time too) but it's just something I have to get rid of.

I need to start working out again so that my body will feel like my own, and maybe I'll start to feel like it isn't always betraying me. To be honest, I've needed to lose weight for years, but ever since my first miscarriage more than a decade ago I've never really wanted to give up my belly - since I never got a bump.

I think I'm going to make an appointment with a counsellor to help me through this. I need to adjust my thinking so I can lose weight and not sabotage my the loss of my belly. I need help getting through this loss, because for me it's more than that.

I won't be getting pregnant again. We'll either be using our surrogate or adopting. I now have to mourn the loss of womanhood on top of everything else.

Life isn't fair, I know that. no one ever told me it was. But life is cruel at the most fundamental of levels, and I wasn't expecting that. I fucking hate this.