Why I'm Not Moving On

Everyone is wonderful, and keeps asking me how I'm doing, or how I'm holding up. I have people who care so much, but they don't know what's going on so I'm going to share. And this isn't going to be easy, so beware the details.

We know we've lost the baby. But that doesn't mean that I've actually lost the baby yet.

I'm on Misoprostol. This is a drug to dilate the cervix. I take 2 tabs vaginally twice a day. I started the meds on Friday (it's now Tuesday).

The meds cause contractions. Not cramps. Contractions. And it sucks. The pain is unreal. I'm on 2mg Dilaudid for pain every 4 hours, plus Zofran for nausea. Guess what? The Dilaudid isn't doing the trick. It hurts like hell and is making my legs turn numb every time. Then the pain starts going down my legs.

But the even less fun part? Is that it's barely working. Yes, I've started bleeding, but it's bleeding bleeding. It's watery and thin. There have been no clots yet and no "tissue".

So, the last 4 days feel like it's been for nothing. I'm a wreck and doing what I can to do this with some class but it's not going very well.

The doctors think it may be ectopic, and that they may need to do a D&C anyway. Which sucks because they can't even be thorough in my uterus or they may puncture it, so that sucks. They may also need to do a laparoscopy to flush out my tubes.

So all this wonderful experience is doing is dragging itself out which feels like nature's way of torturing me - actually purposely torturing me.

So for those who have offered their support - thank you. But this is how I am. Just because I announced a loss doesn't mean it's over - or even near over.