Sunday, 17 November 2013

What NOT To Say To Someone Struggling With Fertility

Special thanks to jbsore1123 for showing me this!

What NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility
So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown).

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your derriere twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.


  1. I found your blog through a post on The Bump. Thanks for sharing this list~ and I totally agree!

  2. You are not entitled to a child. You may think you'd be an amazing parent but the universe doesn't owe you a baby -- especially not somebody else's!

    The fact that you can't be happy for other people who get pregnant or have kids is telling -- it suggest you believe kids are a zero-sum game. That somebody else having or adopting a kid takes away from your chances of the same!

    The money you list on the Russian adoption -- you gambled and lost. The ban was a long time coming had you spent 2 seconds with google. Heck, State Dept posted warnings as early as January 2011!

    1. You have obviously not spent ANY time reading through my blog. Your entire second paragraph proves that.

      First - go fuck yourself.

      Second - if you aren't swift enough to pick up on it - this was an article I used to help others understand the perspective. I didn't write it - it is also meant to be mildly entertaining. You might deduce that from the post link at the top . . . .

      Considering I'm a mammal - yes - I am damn right entitled to procreate. Is it easy? No. Have I given up? Fuck no. I'm also entitled to medical treatment for medical conditions leading to infertility.

      And no - the Russian adoption was NOT a gamble. It was a well established program with OUR government and there were no threats of it and it was not a "long time coming". I suspect you are one who knows very little about the reality of it - if you did you would know better.
      As for the research we did - it was extensive and involved many layers of government and lawyers before we signed on - so once again, your arrogance is proving your ignorance.

      But, since you referenced the State Department - let me be clear: I AM NOT AN AMERICAN. I DO NOT LIVE IN AMERICA AND NEVER HAVE. It was the USA who had warnings of the ban. It was the USA who had adoption-holds imposed and investigations launched. That is NOT my country.

      Also - you're an asshole. And a coward. You couldn't even use a contact-able identity to post this. Or read any of the surrounding blog posts. Or look at my profile info. You just wanted to mouth off to someone you don't know so you can get your jollies.

    2. OMG J please do not listen to this scum. What a disgusting thing to say to a person. J you deserve a baby more than anyone I know. You have endured more in your life than anyone I have ever met. I wish nothing more than for you to me a mom and I know you will get there.